Tag Archives: Learning

Channah’s journey so far

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Phew, it’s been a while since I have posted on this blog. Does not mean I have not been learning Judaism though! Since beginning my conversion course at a shul about six months ago, I have gone through the holidays of Tu Bishvat, Purim, Pesach and Shavuot, am now able to read Hebrew with nikkudim, have become familiar with many Shabbat songs (particularly ones for Friday night service) and can remember some of the blessings by heart (or at least parts of them). I feel like I have learned a lot, and although at times I feel that I know a lot already, at times I feel like I should know more about certain things (such as remembering certain parts of Jewish history or passages from the Tanakh). But I don’t think anyone is ever ‘ready’ when it comes to Jewish learning. The fact that some born Jews have said to me I probably already know more than they do, tells me I must have learned a decent amount!

While studying for my master’s degree, it has been at times challenging to also keep up with my Judaism and Hebrew learning. But when you want something, you will keep it up. Now I am on summer holiday from university, which means finally I have time for reading books that are not related to my degree (although, I did read my Judaism books whenever I wasn’t researching and panicking with my essays). I have picked up some new books, although I still haven’t managed to finish some of the books I started reading in December (including one on the Talmud and one on Jewish history). I can’t just focus on one book at a time, even though that means I usually have to go back a few (or many) pages when I return to reading a book I haven’t been reading for a while.

My thoughts on the conversion progress so far.. There are many. Of course, I feel accomplished and grateful that I have been able to begin my journey, and often my heart fills with excitement at the thought that one day I can officially call myself Jewish. There are also fears, lots of them, and pressure (from myself) to do more and comparisons to how much others are doing, when I should be focusing on my individual journey and not think about others. The biggest struggle for me has been the social side of things, and as Judaism is very community oriented, I do wish that this improves. For the most part the community has been very welcoming, and there is always someone who comes to have a chat, and to introduce themselves if I haven’t met them before. In fact, perhaps the only negative experience I’ve had was the Seder night when I was sat at a table with older ladies, and I felt very uncomfortable as I had to be the one passing around the Seder plate, and I felt very confused and felt that they were judging me because I was unsure of what to do, or when to pass it around. That time was very awkward for me and I have to say it was not the best first communal Seder experience to have. I told myself not to let it bring me down, and I have trying to attend the services at least every two weeks, and go to every festival service, as it is very important to experience the whole year of Jewish festivals. At times it has been difficult for me to attend the services because of my struggles with anxiety, but particularly on Friday evenings when it’s more quiet attending the services brings me peace of mind, and I have never thought ‘oh, I wish I hadn’t gone.’

As for the social side of things, I am still trying to become comfortable being around people in the shul, and I am struggling with the sense of belonging. Perhaps part of this is the fact that there are very few people around my age that attend regularly. Almost everyone is much older than I am, and although most of them seem very lovely, it is very hard to connect with them beyond the level of just being friendly. Particularly if they have kids with them, it is difficult to feel connected. One of the hardest things for me is not having anyone to go to shul with. Getting to the age I am now, it is no wonder that I am thinking of the future, and seeing friends getting married and having kids feels strange.. the added pressure of longing to find a Jewish man makes me feel very, very sad at times, and often it is hard to believe that there could really be someone out there for me, with whom everything would work out, and who would be happy to attend the services with me, and want to share their life with me. The only thing that brings me hope is the thought that Hashem has a plan for me, and he will bring that man into my life, but I just have to be patient and believe.

These are just some thoughts I’ve been having. I realize I’ve mostly thought about the challenges I’m facing – that doesn’t mean this journey isn’t worth it. I believe it’s worth all the challenges, and I would be in a much worse place than I am now if I hadn’t started this journey. Judaism has brought me so much hope, a sense of purpose and meaning to my life, and I feel that finally I have something that feels right, and something that keeps me going even when I’m really struggling with my health.

Havdalah

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I received this absolutely beautiful Havdalah set by post a few days ago. It is also the first ever Havdalah set I have owned, so it’s very exciting! But at the same time, I have this strange guilty feeling of ‘should I even own something like this at this point’. But how would you actually learn if you didn’t incorporate the Jewish traditions and customs to your life? You need to add one thing at a time, learn to make it part of your daily / weekly life, and not rush and make yourself feel guilty that you are not doing all the mitzvot. It would not be possible to learn and do everything in a short period of time, things like Shabbat candle blessing, blessing over challah, wine, Havdalah, etc. It’s about adding one thing at a time, maybe make a goal to learn to recite a certain prayer by heart in the next couple of weeks, like the blessing of candles on Shabbat, and slowly during the next months you will realize you can already remember quite many things! Some things take more time than others, especially becoming familiar with traditions you had not even heard of before. But it’s okay, it is your personal journey, and you will have your whole life time to learn and build and reshape your practice. This is what I try to remind myself of whenever I get those feelings of inadequacy or doubts about whether it is ‘right’ of me to do something, just because I don’t have a paper officiating me as being Jewish, and because I might not feel the same kind of natural connection with a custom that those grown up with Judaism can have.

So, as well as showing off my beautiful Havdalah set, this post will explain a little bit about what Havdalah is. For Havdalah these three objects are important: a Kiddush cup, a box of spices (Besamim) and a Havdalah candle.

Havdalah is thus a combination of different senses: the taste of wine, the sweet smell of the spices, the light and warmth of the candle. The ceremony brings hope and joy for the starting week.

Although the wine is poured first, before drinking it several Havdalah prayers are recited, traditionally consisting of nine joyful and hopeful biblical verses.

This is the Havdalah cup. I learned that you are supposed to fill it to the brim with wine – oops, I think that’s a lot for a small person like me 😅 The custom is to use at least a measurement of a full Rev’is- but there are differing opinions on the size of a Rev’is, so better to fill it to the top! Spilling it over is considered a sign of blessing.

Although, if you are doing Havdalah in a group, it is customary that each person only takes a sip from the cup – so no, I don’t think it’s common for people to get drunk from doing Havdalah!

This cup has the Hebrew words ‘borei p’ri’ and ‘hagafen’ written on it – they are part of the prayer for blessing of the wine.

There are many different customs connected with wine: some dip their finger tips in the wine and touch their eye lids, some on their necks or their pockets. All these practices are an expression of love for the Mitzvah of Havdalah.

Here’s the spice container. Any pleasant smelling spices can be used, but cloves and myrtle twigs are most traditional ones. Ashkenazim and Sephardim have different customs in this.

The tradition of the smelling the spices relates to ‘losing one’s additional soul’, the soul that some believe a Jewish person gains from keeping Shabbat. The sweet smell of the spices is thought to ease the loss of this soul. Smell is also considered the most spiritual of senses, a sense that pleasures one’s soul.

The next blessing is over the candle. I have ordered a braided candle, but it has not arrived, so no picture of my candle yet. It is traditional to put one’s hands up towards the candle light, so that the flame glows on the finger tips.

This is the plate where the overflowing cup of wine is placed on. The plate consists of words of part of the concluding Havdalah prayer ‘hamav’dil bein kodesh l’chol’. After finishing the concluding prayer, it’s time to drink the wine and then extinguish the flame of the candle with a drop of wine. I was startled by the hissing sound of the candle when I did this the first time – then I read that the hissing sound of the dying flame is part of the Havdalah experience, as you are engaging with all of your senses: smell, taste, warmth and sound.

This is one of the songs I have already been familiar with for quite a long time. It is probably the most popular song to sing after the Havdalah prayers.

Eliyahu Hanavi

Sources include:

Chabad.org

My Jewish Learning.com

Jewish Virtual Library

Daily Halacha

The Jewish Chronicle

Ou Kosher.org

Tiferet Israel Congregation

Pirkei Avot

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I will be busy with university work again soon, so I will probably going to be updating this blog less for now. But I will try to keep it going, just like I will find time to read books on Judaism and learn Hebrew in addition to my actual studies and soon work as well.

This week I decided to make a post about Pirkei Avot. This term keeps coming up in a synagogue newsletter, and I realized that I don’t actually really know what it is. Of course, I have read about it, and I have most likely heard it before, but if someone asked me to tell them about it, I wouldn’t know what to tell.

Pirkei Avot literally means ‘Chapters of the Fathers’ and it is one of the most cited Jewish texts. Some suggest ‘Avot’ should be translated as ‘bases’, not as ‘fathers.’ Why? Because Pirkei Avot provides a basis of ethical principles by the rabbis whose legal rulings can be found in the Mishnah. Starting from the transmission of Torah from Moses to Joshua, the prophets, and the first rabbis, it not only traces the long journey of Torah transmission from one generation to the next, from one rabbi to another, it also gives insight into the worldview of each rabbi, and although the interpretations have changed according to times, Pirkei Avot also shows the unbreakable connection from Moses at Mount Sinai to its teachers thousands years later.

It also provides some very famous sayings that are familiar to many Jewish people today, even if they do not have much knowledge of Pirkei Avot as such.

Shimon HaTzaddik

“The World stands on three things: Torah, the service of G-d, and deeds of kindness.”

Hillel:

“If I am not for myself, who is for me? And when I am for myself, what am ‘I’? And if not now, when?”

There is a lot more to learn about Pirkei Avot, but hopefully writing this helps me remember a little more about it, and if someone asks me what it means, I will be able to tell them a little what it is all about.

I am going to think about words for ‘Word of the Day’ posts next, although unfortunately I don’t think I can keep up posting a new word every day, but I will do it in phases.

Other topics I am thinking of covering: choosing the right shul and the experience of living “in between” two worlds and the feeling of not belonging.