Beit Din approaching. Thoughts on choosing Judaism, mental health and finding love.

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It has been ages since I have updated this blog, and my journey (or this initial part of it) is soon reaching its goal – I have a date for my Beit Din now and it’s less than a month away! I can’t believe how time has flown by and it is over a year ago when I officially begun my journey by starting attending classes at the shul. I am glad that despite all the difficulties I’ve had in the past year, I have not given up and I have persisted in keeping up with my learning and going back to the services after periods of severe anxiety and depression caused me a lot of struggle and days when I could just not function with everyday life.

I want to believe that everything that has happened during the past year has made me stronger, although I usually don’t feel like I am any stronger than before and feel like my whole world is crumbling down. I have felt incredibly lonely, and for a while now I have felt hurt and heartbroken over a man. I have struggled with anxiety at work. Earlier this year a dear friend of mine attempted suicide, which had a major affect on my mental health too. The last few months have been incredibly challenging, and I can honestly say that at my darkest moments Judaism has been the only thing that has kept me going. I have cried and prayed. I have felt like Hashem is not there for me, have felt like I must have done something wrong to deserve all these struggles. I have felt suicidal, but something has pulled me back, and I have clung onto that tiny piece of hope. Often my only comfort has been reciting Moda Ani in the morning, or Hashkiveinu in the evening. At times I have been so tired all I have been able to do has been to whisper ‘Hashem, please help me. Show me that you are there.’ I have tried to tell myself that just like any illness, my depression will pass, that this will not last forever, and that I will feel much better one day. I have set myself small goals. Just hang on until you’ve done this. Don’t worry about how you will feel next month, or the month after, Just take one goal at a time.

I have always felt a lack of purpose in my life, and I think Judaism has helped fill that part. It has given me purpose and hope, when nothing else has felt right or meaningful. Focusing on rituals, like weekly candle lightings, or the preparations for Pesach and adhering to the dietary restrictions provide routine and keeps my mind busy. Those moments help me escape the struggles of everyday life for a little bit, and I feel like I am doing something that has real meaning. I find comfort in those routines, and the light of the Shabbat candles on my window seal provides a glimmer of hope. I don’t know where I would be today without Judaism. Although some people might say I am making my life harder in some ways by choosing to become Jewish, I can’t think that way. Even if that was true, there is no question over whether I have made the right decision. I don’t even ask that from myself. I don’t see Judaism as an option. It’s not an option. For me there are no other possible options.

The thing I worry the most about is whether I will struggle with the sense of belonging. I have always struggled with the feeling of belonging. I have struggled to feel connected to people, and I have always felt like I don’t fit into any groups. This is probably why for me the wish to find a Jewish man and have my own family is so important, and why I am so scared that it’s going to be too difficult. I sometimes feel hopeless because of it. I have had to think thoroughly about what I want from a relationship, and many find it difficult to understand why it is essential for me to find someone who is Jewish. Why am I limiting my options so much and making things harder for myself? But I cannot force myself to do something that does not feel right. I have no interest in meeting a man who is not Jewish. It is not just about religion, it is about the way I live my life, and how my future family is going to live. It’s something I think would be impossible with someone who isn’t Jewish. Yes, I am making it harder for myself, but I cannot force myself to change how I feel about something as important as love and my future family.

I was hoping to have found that special man by now, but my recent experiences have crumbled my hopes. I met someone who I really thought was different. I had no expectations when we first met, but little did I know how strongly I would feel about him a couple of months later. Not only is he Jewish, but the way he treated me and the things I was able to share with him made me feel like it could be something special. Turns out he was not feeling the same way, and I ended up spending months just waiting for nothing. Big part of me has still not given up hoping that in the future, things will be different, that he will feel differently. The fact that he is Jewish makes it all harder, I was really starting to imagine a future with him.

It can feel devastatingly lonely when you can’t explain to someone how important something is to you, or when they don’t have any idea what you are talking about. I think finding Jewish connections will be one of the most important things in the future, and that’s one of the main reasons I have decided to move to London. One of my plans is to find a mental health group that’s aimed for Jewish people. I was lucky enough to meet a Jewish volunteer, who told me about a group she is running in London, and I am sure there will be other groups too. If sharing an understanding of both mental health difficulties and Judaism doesn’t make connecting with people feel easier for me, nothing else will!

In the next weeks leading up to my Beit Din I will be considering possible questions that I might get asked, and I will try to write down my thoughts so that I will have some answers ready, and so I make sure that I have spent a good amount of time planning what I will say. I should receive some example questions from someone who converted soon, so I can hopefully start writing down some answers soon.

Channah’s journey so far

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Phew, it’s been a while since I have posted on this blog. Does not mean I have not been learning Judaism though! Since beginning my conversion course at a shul about six months ago, I have gone through the holidays of Tu Bishvat, Purim, Pesach and Shavuot, am now able to read Hebrew with nikkudim, have become familiar with many Shabbat songs (particularly ones for Friday night service) and can remember some of the blessings by heart (or at least parts of them). I feel like I have learned a lot, and although at times I feel that I know a lot already, at times I feel like I should know more about certain things (such as remembering certain parts of Jewish history or passages from the Tanakh). But I don’t think anyone is ever ‘ready’ when it comes to Jewish learning. The fact that some born Jews have said to me I probably already know more than they do, tells me I must have learned a decent amount!

While studying for my master’s degree, it has been at times challenging to also keep up with my Judaism and Hebrew learning. But when you want something, you will keep it up. Now I am on summer holiday from university, which means finally I have time for reading books that are not related to my degree (although, I did read my Judaism books whenever I wasn’t researching and panicking with my essays). I have picked up some new books, although I still haven’t managed to finish some of the books I started reading in December (including one on the Talmud and one on Jewish history). I can’t just focus on one book at a time, even though that means I usually have to go back a few (or many) pages when I return to reading a book I haven’t been reading for a while.

My thoughts on the conversion progress so far.. There are many. Of course, I feel accomplished and grateful that I have been able to begin my journey, and often my heart fills with excitement at the thought that one day I can officially call myself Jewish. There are also fears, lots of them, and pressure (from myself) to do more and comparisons to how much others are doing, when I should be focusing on my individual journey and not think about others. The biggest struggle for me has been the social side of things, and as Judaism is very community oriented, I do wish that this improves. For the most part the community has been very welcoming, and there is always someone who comes to have a chat, and to introduce themselves if I haven’t met them before. In fact, perhaps the only negative experience I’ve had was the Seder night when I was sat at a table with older ladies, and I felt very uncomfortable as I had to be the one passing around the Seder plate, and I felt very confused and felt that they were judging me because I was unsure of what to do, or when to pass it around. That time was very awkward for me and I have to say it was not the best first communal Seder experience to have. I told myself not to let it bring me down, and I have trying to attend the services at least every two weeks, and go to every festival service, as it is very important to experience the whole year of Jewish festivals. At times it has been difficult for me to attend the services because of my struggles with anxiety, but particularly on Friday evenings when it’s more quiet attending the services brings me peace of mind, and I have never thought ‘oh, I wish I hadn’t gone.’

As for the social side of things, I am still trying to become comfortable being around people in the shul, and I am struggling with the sense of belonging. Perhaps part of this is the fact that there are very few people around my age that attend regularly. Almost everyone is much older than I am, and although most of them seem very lovely, it is very hard to connect with them beyond the level of just being friendly. Particularly if they have kids with them, it is difficult to feel connected. One of the hardest things for me is not having anyone to go to shul with. Getting to the age I am now, it is no wonder that I am thinking of the future, and seeing friends getting married and having kids feels strange.. the added pressure of longing to find a Jewish man makes me feel very, very sad at times, and often it is hard to believe that there could really be someone out there for me, with whom everything would work out, and who would be happy to attend the services with me, and want to share their life with me. The only thing that brings me hope is the thought that Hashem has a plan for me, and he will bring that man into my life, but I just have to be patient and believe.

These are just some thoughts I’ve been having. I realize I’ve mostly thought about the challenges I’m facing – that doesn’t mean this journey isn’t worth it. I believe it’s worth all the challenges, and I would be in a much worse place than I am now if I hadn’t started this journey. Judaism has brought me so much hope, a sense of purpose and meaning to my life, and I feel that finally I have something that feels right, and something that keeps me going even when I’m really struggling with my health.

‘Sin’ in Judaism

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The word ‘sin’ does not really sit up well with Judaism. The word ‘chet’ (חֵטְא) is often translated as ‘sin’, but this translation does not accurately describe the concept. ‘Chet’ has nothing to do with endless damnation or Hell, the concepts most often associated with sin among Christians or westerners in general.

There is no direct translation of the concept of ‘Chet’ into English. The word in Hebrew derives from the verb meaning ‘to miss the mark or target.’ It is also usually defined by the context where it is being used. There are several examples in the Tanakh (Book of Judges 20:16, Book of Kings I 1:21). None of the examples have anything to do with the Christian concept of ‘original sin.’ Nor can you be forgiven for your ‘sins’ by simply proclaiming your faith (this is a very Christian concept) – the Jewish approach is practical and is a journey rather than a single moment in time. It is about actually approaching people you have hurt and asking for forgiveness, and it is about working on yourself to become a better person.

Yom Kippur, obviously, is known by most as a time of the year that all Jews confess their sins together in the synagogue, and it is certainly not seen as a very joyful festival. Yom Kippur isn’t about praying and asking for forgiveness from G-d to ‘save us’ or to ‘grant a place in heaven’ – these are, again, misconceptions based on a Christian point of view. The central theme on Yom Kippur is ‘ Will we be inscribed in the Book of Life for another year?’ It is not about a lifetime’s worth of sins, it is about reflecting on yourself and your actions during the past year, and about gaining hope and blessing for the upcoming year.

So sin, as it is understood by most people, does not exist in Judaism. There is no single point in time that G-d will grant you forgiveness for your whole lifetime worth of sins. It does not work that way, It is a journey, and no one is perfect, it is inevitable that we hurt each other at times. The important bit is that we acknowledge this and work with ourselves and ask for forgiveness from the ones we’ve hurt – not simply from G-d, because our lives right now are here on Earth, and Judaism is very much about focusing on life here and now, not about what becomes after we have left this Earth.

Sources:

Ou.org

Aish.com

Cartoon Hebrew

Havdalah

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I received this absolutely beautiful Havdalah set by post a few days ago. It is also the first ever Havdalah set I have owned, so it’s very exciting! But at the same time, I have this strange guilty feeling of ‘should I even own something like this at this point’. But how would you actually learn if you didn’t incorporate the Jewish traditions and customs to your life? You need to add one thing at a time, learn to make it part of your daily / weekly life, and not rush and make yourself feel guilty that you are not doing all the mitzvot. It would not be possible to learn and do everything in a short period of time, things like Shabbat candle blessing, blessing over challah, wine, Havdalah, etc. It’s about adding one thing at a time, maybe make a goal to learn to recite a certain prayer by heart in the next couple of weeks, like the blessing of candles on Shabbat, and slowly during the next months you will realize you can already remember quite many things! Some things take more time than others, especially becoming familiar with traditions you had not even heard of before. But it’s okay, it is your personal journey, and you will have your whole life time to learn and build and reshape your practice. This is what I try to remind myself of whenever I get those feelings of inadequacy or doubts about whether it is ‘right’ of me to do something, just because I don’t have a paper officiating me as being Jewish, and because I might not feel the same kind of natural connection with a custom that those grown up with Judaism can have.

So, as well as showing off my beautiful Havdalah set, this post will explain a little bit about what Havdalah is. For Havdalah these three objects are important: a Kiddush cup, a box of spices (Besamim) and a Havdalah candle.

Havdalah is thus a combination of different senses: the taste of wine, the sweet smell of the spices, the light and warmth of the candle. The ceremony brings hope and joy for the starting week.

Although the wine is poured first, before drinking it several Havdalah prayers are recited, traditionally consisting of nine joyful and hopeful biblical verses.

This is the Havdalah cup. I learned that you are supposed to fill it to the brim with wine – oops, I think that’s a lot for a small person like me 😅 The custom is to use at least a measurement of a full Rev’is- but there are differing opinions on the size of a Rev’is, so better to fill it to the top! Spilling it over is considered a sign of blessing.

Although, if you are doing Havdalah in a group, it is customary that each person only takes a sip from the cup – so no, I don’t think it’s common for people to get drunk from doing Havdalah!

This cup has the Hebrew words ‘borei p’ri’ and ‘hagafen’ written on it – they are part of the prayer for blessing of the wine.

There are many different customs connected with wine: some dip their finger tips in the wine and touch their eye lids, some on their necks or their pockets. All these practices are an expression of love for the Mitzvah of Havdalah.

Here’s the spice container. Any pleasant smelling spices can be used, but cloves and myrtle twigs are most traditional ones. Ashkenazim and Sephardim have different customs in this.

The tradition of the smelling the spices relates to ‘losing one’s additional soul’, the soul that some believe a Jewish person gains from keeping Shabbat. The sweet smell of the spices is thought to ease the loss of this soul. Smell is also considered the most spiritual of senses, a sense that pleasures one’s soul.

The next blessing is over the candle. I have ordered a braided candle, but it has not arrived, so no picture of my candle yet. It is traditional to put one’s hands up towards the candle light, so that the flame glows on the finger tips.

This is the plate where the overflowing cup of wine is placed on. The plate consists of words of part of the concluding Havdalah prayer ‘hamav’dil bein kodesh l’chol’. After finishing the concluding prayer, it’s time to drink the wine and then extinguish the flame of the candle with a drop of wine. I was startled by the hissing sound of the candle when I did this the first time – then I read that the hissing sound of the dying flame is part of the Havdalah experience, as you are engaging with all of your senses: smell, taste, warmth and sound.

This is one of the songs I have already been familiar with for quite a long time. It is probably the most popular song to sing after the Havdalah prayers.

Eliyahu Hanavi

Sources include:

Chabad.org

My Jewish Learning.com

Jewish Virtual Library

Daily Halacha

The Jewish Chronicle

Ou Kosher.org

Tiferet Israel Congregation

Pirkei Avot

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I will be busy with university work again soon, so I will probably going to be updating this blog less for now. But I will try to keep it going, just like I will find time to read books on Judaism and learn Hebrew in addition to my actual studies and soon work as well.

This week I decided to make a post about Pirkei Avot. This term keeps coming up in a synagogue newsletter, and I realized that I don’t actually really know what it is. Of course, I have read about it, and I have most likely heard it before, but if someone asked me to tell them about it, I wouldn’t know what to tell.

Pirkei Avot literally means ‘Chapters of the Fathers’ and it is one of the most cited Jewish texts. Some suggest ‘Avot’ should be translated as ‘bases’, not as ‘fathers.’ Why? Because Pirkei Avot provides a basis of ethical principles by the rabbis whose legal rulings can be found in the Mishnah. Starting from the transmission of Torah from Moses to Joshua, the prophets, and the first rabbis, it not only traces the long journey of Torah transmission from one generation to the next, from one rabbi to another, it also gives insight into the worldview of each rabbi, and although the interpretations have changed according to times, Pirkei Avot also shows the unbreakable connection from Moses at Mount Sinai to its teachers thousands years later.

It also provides some very famous sayings that are familiar to many Jewish people today, even if they do not have much knowledge of Pirkei Avot as such.

Shimon HaTzaddik

“The World stands on three things: Torah, the service of G-d, and deeds of kindness.”

Hillel:

“If I am not for myself, who is for me? And when I am for myself, what am ‘I’? And if not now, when?”

There is a lot more to learn about Pirkei Avot, but hopefully writing this helps me remember a little more about it, and if someone asks me what it means, I will be able to tell them a little what it is all about.

I am going to think about words for ‘Word of the Day’ posts next, although unfortunately I don’t think I can keep up posting a new word every day, but I will do it in phases.

Other topics I am thinking of covering: choosing the right shul and the experience of living “in between” two worlds and the feeling of not belonging.

Jewish Word of the Day

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Continuing with the wedding theme, words for bride and groom:

Chatan – Hebrew word for groom.

Kallah: Hebrew word for bride.

Chossen: Yiddish word for groom.

Chatan also refers to a son-in-law, and other connotations, including guest of honor or star of the day. As a verb, it means to ‘tie, connect or covenant.’

This verse is commonly recited at Jewish weddings:

The voice of joy, and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom, and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who shall say, Praise the Lord of Hosts; for the Lord is good; for his mercy endures for ever; and of those who shall bring the sacrifice of praise to the house of the Lord. For I will cause to return the captivity of the land, as at the first, says the Lord’. Jeremiah 33:11

Sources: Reform Judaism.org, The JC

Jewish Word of the Day

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Aid/Aidim (also spelled Edim) (In Hebrew: עֵד/עֵדִים

‘witness; Jewish law requires two witnesses sign the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract). Customarily, both are Jewish men who are not related to either marriage partner or to one another.  In Reform Judaism both men and women serve as witnesses. ‘

Source: Reform Judaism.org

2000 years of Antisemitism:why is that?

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Great post explaining the background of the long history of antisemitism by Christians. Some *ahem* interesting posts left by Christians in the comments section too.

I have come to realize how little understanding most people have of Judaism – I guess it’s easier for a Christian to think Judaism is basically like Christianity just without the Jesus part with some old traditions remaining, but really there are fundamental differences in thinking and sadly, I have come to witness that some Christians learning this somehow find it very hard to grasp, and somehow unwilling to accept that their religion was once created out of such ‘strange religion’. They hold this concept of Judaism in their minds, thinking they know what it’s all about. I can’t explain it better, but it’s this strange condescending attitude that takes over those people, still acting pretendly nice but with a slightly judgemental tone. It annoys the hell out of me (excuse the pun here haha) when Christians think they know so much about Judaism because ‘they have read the Old Testament too’ or something along those lines 😝

Jewish Word of the Day

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Gaon/Gaonim – ‘The Jews have never had a papacy, but the nearest thing in moral force in our history was the Gaonate, which lasted from the close of the Talmud to about the year 1000. The decisions of the Gaonim, clarifying and spelling out Talmud law, shaped the life of Jewish settlements all through Europe and Asia. The Gaonim came to an end with the disasters that overwhelmed the community in Babylon… The word ‘Gaon’ survived as a term of honor among Jewish scholars.’

Source: Herman Wouk (1959): This is my God: pp. 213

Jewish Word of the Day

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Chazara b’teshuvah/ Baal Teshuva ‘the term refers to secular Jews who have “returned” to their faith with a newly observant dedication to strict Orthodoxy, and is interchangeable with the term baal teshuvah, used more widely in the United States.’

Source: Tablet

‘The term baal teshuva is from the Talmud, literally meaning “master of repentance”

‘It began during the mid-twentieth century, when large numbers of previously highly assimilated Jews chose to move in the direction of practicing Judaism.’

Source: Wikipedia