Category Archives: Conversion

Beit Din approaching. Thoughts on choosing Judaism, mental health and finding love.

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It has been ages since I have updated this blog, and my journey (or this initial part of it) is soon reaching its goal – I have a date for my Beit Din now and it’s less than a month away! I can’t believe how time has flown by and it is over a year ago when I officially begun my journey by starting attending classes at the shul. I am glad that despite all the difficulties I’ve had in the past year, I have not given up and I have persisted in keeping up with my learning and going back to the services after periods of severe anxiety and depression caused me a lot of struggle and days when I could just not function with everyday life.

I want to believe that everything that has happened during the past year has made me stronger, although I usually don’t feel like I am any stronger than before and feel like my whole world is crumbling down. I have felt incredibly lonely, and for a while now I have felt hurt and heartbroken over a man. I have struggled with anxiety at work. Earlier this year a dear friend of mine attempted suicide, which had a major affect on my mental health too. The last few months have been incredibly challenging, and I can honestly say that at my darkest moments Judaism has been the only thing that has kept me going. I have cried and prayed. I have felt like Hashem is not there for me, have felt like I must have done something wrong to deserve all these struggles. I have felt suicidal, but something has pulled me back, and I have clung onto that tiny piece of hope. Often my only comfort has been reciting Moda Ani in the morning, or Hashkiveinu in the evening. At times I have been so tired all I have been able to do has been to whisper ‘Hashem, please help me. Show me that you are there.’ I have tried to tell myself that just like any illness, my depression will pass, that this will not last forever, and that I will feel much better one day. I have set myself small goals. Just hang on until you’ve done this. Don’t worry about how you will feel next month, or the month after, Just take one goal at a time.

I have always felt a lack of purpose in my life, and I think Judaism has helped fill that part. It has given me purpose and hope, when nothing else has felt right or meaningful. Focusing on rituals, like weekly candle lightings, or the preparations for Pesach and adhering to the dietary restrictions provide routine and keeps my mind busy. Those moments help me escape the struggles of everyday life for a little bit, and I feel like I am doing something that has real meaning. I find comfort in those routines, and the light of the Shabbat candles on my window seal provides a glimmer of hope. I don’t know where I would be today without Judaism. Although some people might say I am making my life harder in some ways by choosing to become Jewish, I can’t think that way. Even if that was true, there is no question over whether I have made the right decision. I don’t even ask that from myself. I don’t see Judaism as an option. It’s not an option. For me there are no other possible options.

The thing I worry the most about is whether I will struggle with the sense of belonging. I have always struggled with the feeling of belonging. I have struggled to feel connected to people, and I have always felt like I don’t fit into any groups. This is probably why for me the wish to find a Jewish man and have my own family is so important, and why I am so scared that it’s going to be too difficult. I sometimes feel hopeless because of it. I have had to think thoroughly about what I want from a relationship, and many find it difficult to understand why it is essential for me to find someone who is Jewish. Why am I limiting my options so much and making things harder for myself? But I cannot force myself to do something that does not feel right. I have no interest in meeting a man who is not Jewish. It is not just about religion, it is about the way I live my life, and how my future family is going to live. It’s something I think would be impossible with someone who isn’t Jewish. Yes, I am making it harder for myself, but I cannot force myself to change how I feel about something as important as love and my future family.

I was hoping to have found that special man by now, but my recent experiences have crumbled my hopes. I met someone who I really thought was different. I had no expectations when we first met, but little did I know how strongly I would feel about him a couple of months later. Not only is he Jewish, but the way he treated me and the things I was able to share with him made me feel like it could be something special. Turns out he was not feeling the same way, and I ended up spending months just waiting for nothing. Big part of me has still not given up hoping that in the future, things will be different, that he will feel differently. The fact that he is Jewish makes it all harder, I was really starting to imagine a future with him.

It can feel devastatingly lonely when you can’t explain to someone how important something is to you, or when they don’t have any idea what you are talking about. I think finding Jewish connections will be one of the most important things in the future, and that’s one of the main reasons I have decided to move to London. One of my plans is to find a mental health group that’s aimed for Jewish people. I was lucky enough to meet a Jewish volunteer, who told me about a group she is running in London, and I am sure there will be other groups too. If sharing an understanding of both mental health difficulties and Judaism doesn’t make connecting with people feel easier for me, nothing else will!

In the next weeks leading up to my Beit Din I will be considering possible questions that I might get asked, and I will try to write down my thoughts so that I will have some answers ready, and so I make sure that I have spent a good amount of time planning what I will say. I should receive some example questions from someone who converted soon, so I can hopefully start writing down some answers soon.

Channah’s journey so far

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Phew, it’s been a while since I have posted on this blog. Does not mean I have not been learning Judaism though! Since beginning my conversion course at a shul about six months ago, I have gone through the holidays of Tu Bishvat, Purim, Pesach and Shavuot, am now able to read Hebrew with nikkudim, have become familiar with many Shabbat songs (particularly ones for Friday night service) and can remember some of the blessings by heart (or at least parts of them). I feel like I have learned a lot, and although at times I feel that I know a lot already, at times I feel like I should know more about certain things (such as remembering certain parts of Jewish history or passages from the Tanakh). But I don’t think anyone is ever ‘ready’ when it comes to Jewish learning. The fact that some born Jews have said to me I probably already know more than they do, tells me I must have learned a decent amount!

While studying for my master’s degree, it has been at times challenging to also keep up with my Judaism and Hebrew learning. But when you want something, you will keep it up. Now I am on summer holiday from university, which means finally I have time for reading books that are not related to my degree (although, I did read my Judaism books whenever I wasn’t researching and panicking with my essays). I have picked up some new books, although I still haven’t managed to finish some of the books I started reading in December (including one on the Talmud and one on Jewish history). I can’t just focus on one book at a time, even though that means I usually have to go back a few (or many) pages when I return to reading a book I haven’t been reading for a while.

My thoughts on the conversion progress so far.. There are many. Of course, I feel accomplished and grateful that I have been able to begin my journey, and often my heart fills with excitement at the thought that one day I can officially call myself Jewish. There are also fears, lots of them, and pressure (from myself) to do more and comparisons to how much others are doing, when I should be focusing on my individual journey and not think about others. The biggest struggle for me has been the social side of things, and as Judaism is very community oriented, I do wish that this improves. For the most part the community has been very welcoming, and there is always someone who comes to have a chat, and to introduce themselves if I haven’t met them before. In fact, perhaps the only negative experience I’ve had was the Seder night when I was sat at a table with older ladies, and I felt very uncomfortable as I had to be the one passing around the Seder plate, and I felt very confused and felt that they were judging me because I was unsure of what to do, or when to pass it around. That time was very awkward for me and I have to say it was not the best first communal Seder experience to have. I told myself not to let it bring me down, and I have trying to attend the services at least every two weeks, and go to every festival service, as it is very important to experience the whole year of Jewish festivals. At times it has been difficult for me to attend the services because of my struggles with anxiety, but particularly on Friday evenings when it’s more quiet attending the services brings me peace of mind, and I have never thought ‘oh, I wish I hadn’t gone.’

As for the social side of things, I am still trying to become comfortable being around people in the shul, and I am struggling with the sense of belonging. Perhaps part of this is the fact that there are very few people around my age that attend regularly. Almost everyone is much older than I am, and although most of them seem very lovely, it is very hard to connect with them beyond the level of just being friendly. Particularly if they have kids with them, it is difficult to feel connected. One of the hardest things for me is not having anyone to go to shul with. Getting to the age I am now, it is no wonder that I am thinking of the future, and seeing friends getting married and having kids feels strange.. the added pressure of longing to find a Jewish man makes me feel very, very sad at times, and often it is hard to believe that there could really be someone out there for me, with whom everything would work out, and who would be happy to attend the services with me, and want to share their life with me. The only thing that brings me hope is the thought that Hashem has a plan for me, and he will bring that man into my life, but I just have to be patient and believe.

These are just some thoughts I’ve been having. I realize I’ve mostly thought about the challenges I’m facing – that doesn’t mean this journey isn’t worth it. I believe it’s worth all the challenges, and I would be in a much worse place than I am now if I hadn’t started this journey. Judaism has brought me so much hope, a sense of purpose and meaning to my life, and I feel that finally I have something that feels right, and something that keeps me going even when I’m really struggling with my health.